| finally taking a risk |
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7.24.08 - 9.59am
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Two weeks.
That's how long I've been part of the working mob, serving as a jr. copywriter for a prestigious publishing company. I must admit, copywriting is not my cup of tea... at least, not yet.
I'm trying. Very hard. Being the extremely paranoid girl that I am, thoughts of failing miserably, being the subject of criticism and getting let go prematurely constantly plague my mind (you'd think that after years and years of struggling with self-doubt, I would finally find a way to deal with it). Again, everyone seems to have great confidence in me and my skills, and again, I am having a difficult time believing them.
But I did ask, nay begged, God for this job. I wanted to be a copywriter even if I have no previous experience in marketing (as I've tried to stay away from it for my total lack of ability to sell and persuade). I wanted to be a copywriter even if I knew I had pretty big shoes to fill, given my inexperience.
Why did I want to be a copywriter despite the things that were working against me? The answer is very simple: I wanted to finally get the ball rolling on my writing career. I wanted to finally put myself in a situation where I would be challenged on a daily basis. I wanted to pursue something that would not absolutely guarantee success (although this isn't to say I don't want to be successful in the long run), but instead pose great risks for failure and hardship).
Bottom line, I DIDN'T WANT TO SETTLE. I didn't want to go back to jobs that have little to do with one of my ultimate life-goals: becoming a great writer. (I say one of my ultimate life-goals because once I feel settled in this new job, I'll continue to pursue another big dream of mine).
So, here I am, trying hard to find my place in this Devil-Wears-Prada type of working environment (although the people are much nicer and supportive, I must say). Every night I ask God to help me find the creative genius in me, hoping it'll help me become an immensely valuable part of the team (as my predecessor, who happens to be a friend, was).
HERE'S TO FINALLY TAKING A RISK. MAY IT BEAR LOTS OF FRUIT.
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| reawakening |
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6.9.08 - 11.03pm
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It's been a month since my PETA workshop ended, but instead of moving forward (as I intended,) I am back to where I was two years ago: at home, searching endlessly for a fulfilling and worthwhile job using the net.
When I resigned from my previous job (which, by the way, was a good source of income) in March, I did it with little regret because I was excited to start a new chapter in my life. I had finally found the courage to join an acting workshop, which I was so sure would open doors that would lead me to the life I had always dreamed about as a young girl. Lo and behold, it didn't. Don't get me wrong. My PETA experience was very enriching: I learned that being true to one's self is an important, if not integral, part of being an actor (this, of course, is something I have yet to fully apply; in the spirit of being perfectly honest, I am prepared to say that I HAVE NOT ACCEPTED WHO I AM. THERE ARE THINGS I STILL DO NOT LIKE ABOUT MYSELF; HENCE, I CANNOT SAY THAT I LOVE MYSELF 100 PERCENT. I'm getting there, though.). I also met some great people, all of whom I would like to remain friends with for as long as I live.
Alas, however, dreams don't come true overnight. After our spectacular showcase, of which I am tremendously proud to this day, a bunch of my classmates, rather friends, decided to try out for PETA's next professional production. I, on the other hand, decided otherwise, feeling the familiar discomfort and tightness of the chest associated with fear and uncertainty. On the day of the auditions, I went to PETA with the intention to meet my friends and have a post-try out get-together. As they were waiting to be called, one of our workshop facilitators approached us and asked whether or not we were already finished. I calmly replied, "I'm not auditioning," to which he responded with a guilt-inducing,"Why not?"
I explained that I wasn't ready, which he brushed off by saying that "being ready is the lamest excuse you can ever give. You'll never be ready." So, he signed me up for the audition.
There I was, shaking in my slippers (I would have worn boots and nicer clothes had I known before I left the house that I was going to audition), praying hard for the courage to actually go through with it. It was hard to shake off my nervousness because I was unready -- I had not conditioned myself for the audition, nor had I prepared the two-three minute monologue that we were supposed to audition with. With about 30 minutes to prepare, I wrote down a short but revealing passage about myself (I shall not expound on what I wrote. Let's just say it's somewhat on the "emo" side.) Since they were my own words, I didn't have a difficult time committing them to memory and internalizing the emotions I needed to convey my message.
My name was called, I went in, faced the highly-esteemed panel, did my monologue, answered the panel's questions, and left. I was in the auditorium for less than 5 minutes.
I can honestly say that once I got up on stage to do my monologue, I felt little fear. My nerves had calmed down and my voice was clear and confident. I know that it wasn't my best performance, that perhaps I could have done better, but I was happy. I was happy that I was able to come up with a monologue in such a short period of time and that I had managed to pull it off.
I didn't land a part in the production. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, even if I wasn't expecting I would be accepted. I am hopeful that one day, I will be successful, and that one day, I will find myself onstage again, giving life and justice to a fictional but recognizable character.
So here I am, back to where I was two years ago, hoping that the job I'll find will not only be fulfilling but financially rewarding as well. There is a difference, though. This time around, I'm not so scared to take things day by day. I'm less pressured to become a money-making machine, and more concerned with finding the right career path. I'm not ashamed to take time, only because I want to ensure that the next job I have will not only be for keeps, but also be a source of happiness. That way, I'll have a truly fulfilling job, a stable source of income, and the emotional freedom to pursue my other passion: acting.
Yes, this all seems easier said than done, but nothing is ever achieved without effort and work. Well, nothing great anyway. And I want to be great.
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5.8.08 - 2.31pm
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So, for the past month, I've been attending an acting workshop at PETA. This Saturday, all of our hard work will culminate in an hour-long production of Malou Jacob's "Anatomiya ng Korupsiyon."
I'm truly sad that the workshop is ending. The experience was worth every peso I spent because I learned so many things that will help me not only become a better actress but a better person as well. The whole workshop has been grounded on truth -- that is, helping each and every one of us become more true to ourselves by teaching us (through various exercises and activities) to accept who we are inside and out. We each had to dig deep, to get in touch with our emotions and relive them in an instant. It's been tough and rewarding as well, and as the workshop comes to a close, I'm left with the feeling that I still have so much to learn... that I've only touched the surface of endless possibilities.
In keeping with the workshop's thrust of presenting the truth, our production on Saturday is meant to re-awaken people's consciousness to the worsening problem of corruption in our country. We all know that it's happening, but somehow, we have become complacent and indifferent. Worst of all, we have adopted an attitude of hopelessness. But one thing that the workshop has taught me is that there is still hope... if we could all just come together and fight for the truth and expose those in power who are taking more than they should and from those who are in dire need, then in due time we can restore the dignity of the Philippines and its people.
I can only hope that all of us will be able to give justice to the play on Saturday. I say this not for our personal glory, but because this play has a much greater purpose than helping me and my classmates (all of whom, incidentally, have become all good friends of mine) become better artists.
So, God be with us on Saturday, and the days after that.
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3.19.08 - 7.21am
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So i'm out of a job... again. It was by choice... again.
I don't want to give my next employer the impression that I'm a flaky person, although I'm fairly certain he/she will think of that of me once I hand in my resume. *sigh*
I have plans... semi-well thought-out plans. i'll be keeping myself busy for the first two months of summer doing something that's near and dear to my heart. I won't be making money, but if all goes well and doors open, I just might finally see my dream realized.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about this next project of mine... although there's also a sense of excitement. As usual, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself by thinking of all the things that could go wrong... of all the things that I could do to mess this up... of all the things that I could do to make myself look like a complete F-O-O-L...
then again, the possibility of seeing a lifelong dream realized is a very enticing factor.
I've prayed long and hard about this, making this venture a test of my faith not only in myself but in God as well. If things don't go down the way I'm hoping it would, I'm going to have to rely on my faith in God to help me let go and embark on a different path.
keeping my fingers crossed.
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9.8.07 - 3.46pm
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i'm bored.
i'm thinking of joining an acting workshop. recommendations, anyone?
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i'm hungry.
i'm thinking of having pizza for dinner. recommendations, anyone?
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7.29.07 - 8.30pm
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Monday na naman... I can't get enough of weekends.
I really am dreading going back to work... another week of monotonous writing. It isn't really that bad, but as with my previous job, it's not exactly what I set out to do after I graduated.
I can't blame anyone for my dissatisfaction. To be completely honest, I am afraid... afraid to go out there and go after the things I've been wanting since I was just a little girl. I dare not say the reason behind my fear because I know it will seem very petty to some.
Right now, I'm just trying my best to function and accept things as they come. My life isn't so bad.. it's actually very OK. But when it will be GREAT? I'm more than a quarter through my life, and I have yet to account for something significant.
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7.22.07 - 1.52pm
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I was out until 3am on Friday, and even though I always try to catch up on lost sleep over the weekend, I set my alarm early for Saturday, July 21st.
Why? Because of a 17-year-old wizard, that's why.
The seventh and final installment of Harry Potter was released yesterday. I wanted to start my day right, so I scrambled out of bed, washed my face, put on some clothes, tied my hair in a clumsy ponytail and headed out the door. I arrived at Fully Booked, Promenade in less than 10 minutes (I live in one of the condos near Club Filipino, everywhere in GH is just a 5-10 minute walk away). I marched up to the counter, not bothering to conceal my excitement. The lady asked me if I had reserved a copy of the book in advance, and i eagerly handed her my neatly folded receipt, which I had kept in my sturdy cash box since April. After she rang up my remaining balance, she turned around, picked up one of the plastic bags, and inside was the book of all books. I took it, said my thanks and ordered my feet to take me home as swiftly as possible.
I was so elated to have Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that I opened it while I was still in the elevator of my condo. I flipped through the pages and brought my nose close enough in order to relish the "new book smell." No one was there to witness my strange behavior, but I don't think I would have acted differently if I were in the presence of others.
Finally, I got home, but before settling in for the ultimate reading experience (for this year), I just had to gloat in front of my younger sister, who is also a fan of the book series.
I began reading the book at around 11:30 in the morning, and at exactly 3am Sunday, I put it down, feeling happy, sad, satisfied and wanting more, all at the same time. Happy because the book was more than I expected it to be, sad because I know that this is truly the end, satisfied because J.K. Rowling was able to provide proper closure for everything and everyone in the book, and wanting more simply because it's hard to accept that there won't be anything like this again for a long time.
*sigh*
on that note, I just want to say that I can't wait to see how the last two movies are going to turn out. Also, not to take anything away from Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson, but I feel like Rupert Grint is not getting as much media attention as his two co-stars. It's a wee bit unfair, especially since he, and I say this with little bias, is the most skilled actor among the three.
So, in support of Rupert Grint, let me just say (in the positive sense, of course), "Weasley is our King!" :)
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6.30.07 - 1.40pm
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I don't have much to tell you guys. Nothing blog-worthy. So, I've decided to post some more borrowed words on my lj, and will continue to do so until I find something more interesting to talk about.
SAMSON
Regina Spektor You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didnt mention us
The bible didnt mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , I loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But they're just old light
They're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
He told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me till the morning light the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonder bread
and went right back to bed
We couldn't break the columns down
No, we couldn't destroy a single one
and the history books forgot about us
and the bible didnt mention us
not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
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| To His Coy Mistress |
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6.23.07 - 12.25pm
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Had we but World enough, and Time
This coyness, lady, were no crime
We would sit down, and think which way
To walk, and pass our long Love's day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges side
Should'st rubies find: I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood:
And you should if you please refuse
Till the Conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable Love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze.
Two hundred to adore each breast:
But thirty thousand to the rest.
An age at least to every part,
And the last Age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state;
Nor would I love at lower rate.
But at my back I always hear
Times winged chariot hurrying near:
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast Eternity.
Thy Beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault shall sound
My echoing song: then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity:
And your quaint Honour turn to dust;
And into ashes all my Lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our Time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapt power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball:
And tear our pleasures with rough strife;
Thorough the iron gates of Life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
-Andrew Marvell
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4.6.07 - 10.24pm
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its been a long time since i wrote on this online journal of mine... so long, in fact, that it seems a bit alien to me now.
i haven't updated my blog mainly because nothing much has happened in the five or so months that have passed since my last post. sure, i quit my job as an ESL instructor and am now a website content writer for an American entertainment website, but other than that, nothing exciting has happened to me.
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last weekend, i went on my first out of town trip for summer '07. My former female co-workers and I went to Batangas for two days, and we stayed at a small (and very cheap) resort (of some sort). Great fun, great company, great food. Since I was so tired from the trip (not to mention the terrible heat; apparently, its hotter in Batangas than in Manila), I went to bed early, which meant not being able to join the inuman. Still, I got to make up for it the next morning when Ivy, one of my former colleagues, fixed me a glass of orange soda and gran matador, which made the trip back home slightly more... unbearable. :)
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I shall be leaving for the US next month. Nope, I will not be staying there permanently. I just need to get away from all this madness. Plus, it's been years since I last saw my relatives in Los Angeles, so I'm pretty psyched about going.
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12.11.06 - 11.53am
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watched Happy Feet last saturday.. so CUUUUTTEEEEE!
however, it does get on the didactic side a bit, so prepare to endure a major guilt trip.
i want to learn how to tap dance! i want a baby penguin... baby mumble is adorable!
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10.28.06 - 4.43pm
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im in the middle of doing my progress cards (the life of an ESL instructor... OH JOY!)
Life just can't get any more boring than this. I swear, i think i would actually go back to doing my thesis if it meant freedom from this quicksand of a job.
Don't get me wrong. The job is challenging. Im just not sure if it's the intellectual kind. I think its supposed to test your patience more than anything. After a while, I realized that the job jumps from making them learn what you're teaching them to making them understand what you're saying. It is so exhausting. Yesterday, i spent 20 minutes explaining to one student the meaning of the word "wet." By the end of the class, she still could not understand me. She felt bad, I felt bad. But, since she was only my third class for the day, i had to push my exhaustion aside and muster up any amount of strength and enthusiasm left in my body. Lucky for me, i have a special reserve tank of cheer and good will tucked somewhere in my system. I just tap into it and BOOM! all smiles again. I don't know how i do it. it's a gift. In fact, i was even told once that i smile too much. HA.
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10.24.06 - 1.11pm
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im watching old episodes of takeshi's castle. it is so FUNNNNYYYYY!
thank you, youtube. You have made my lonely and hot afternoons more tolerable.
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10.21.06 - 1.25pm
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btw, i watched THE DEPARTED yesterday. I gotta say, this is the best movie i have seen so far this year, and i am not just saying this because i have had the biggest crush on Leonardo di Caprio since Titanic came out nine years ago. It's fantastic! The story is great, the script is great, the cast is great. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go out and watch this movie. Don't wait until it comes out on DVD. It's much better on screen.
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10.21.06 - 1.17pm
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i am bored.
im thinking of taking up French. Ive learned a couple of simple phrases and greetings from my co-worker, Cat. I figure i need to do something challenging and productive now so that i can get a head start on building a career. Working as an ESL instructor isn't so bad, but since you have to meet the students half-way (meaning you often have to oversimplify your English), i feel like my mind is becoming stagnant. I need to disturb the waters a bit. I need to take on something that requires more brain power. I need to find an activity that won't allow me to say, "Steering similar to driving... steering a ship, driving a car."
je tu manque- i miss you
a tout te leure- see you later
comment ca va?- how is your life?
ca va bien- yes, this is life
comment a le vouz?- how are you?
tres bien, merci. et toi?- very good, thank you. And you?
je t'aime beacoup- i love you
mon cheri- my love
le poisson- a fish
ces beau maison- this is a beautiful house
*pardon the spelling.
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9.22.06 - 2.46pm
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YAY!
gawa na pc ko...
sure, my program files were completely wiped out, but at least i was able to save my word files and pictures.
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9.16.06 - 1.36pm
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its hard to find people who, along the way, will become your true friends. I guess its the same as buidling any great relationship. You shouldn'y try to so hard to look for them because then you will always have a specific idea of who they should be. Its less complicated if you just sit back and wait for that mysterious moment in time that your path shall cross with others. That way, no expectations are ever built and no hearts are ever left unsatisfied.
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8.29.06 - 1.29pm
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.jpg)
masungit na ako noon pa...
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8.29.06 - 1.14pm
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i feel so lazy today.
i want to buy so many things, but i realized that my current salary will not allow me access to some luxuries (that are also necessities) such as:
better- fitting and bras (the ones that i have had my eye on cost more than my monthly budget)
a skin for my IPOD (wawa naman c mini me; she looks so dirty and worn out already)
nicer work clothes (especially slacks or pants that i will also be able to wear casually)
get my hair done (i want to get a great haircut, for once)
derma
new books (i did recently buy a book on social philosophy, which is interesting, but i have been wanting to get a novel or poetry book)
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| delaying doing the backpack series for work |
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8.23.06 - 12.22pm
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i am beginning to feel as though my intelligence is gradually seeping out of my ears as i sleep at night.
seriously, my mind is working so slowly these days.
i need something to challenge me again. maybe a neat IQ or math test. something that, even if i fail, won't totally crush my very fragile ego.
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mirrors suck. i hate looking at them. better to look at a puddle of water because it's never too clear or still enough to show you the truth about your appearance.
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pictures can serve as mirrors... sometimes. but they're more of reminder than a reality check. reminders of good and bad experiences or the good disguised as bad and vice- versa.
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